What to do for your Super Bowl party

Writer Keith

Hey everyone! Sorry it's been a while. With the holidays, a pregnant wife, a break-in to my house, making said house into Ft. Knox, and throwing my back out from laughing so hard after the Yankees gave $500 million to a guy who only pitches well in contract years, a first baseman that has never finished higher than 6th in the MVP race, and a pitcher who may hit 450 pounds before his contract is up, my plate has been full.

Keep your Super Bowl faux pas-free this year. Writer Keith tells you how!

I am not sure if you have heard it or not. but there is a pretty big football game this weekend. It's Super Bowl Sunday! From the game to the commercials to the Boss singing at halftime to the pre-game show that started sometime last Wednesday, most of you have some sort of plan for the game.

Some of you may head to a tavern to catch the game, but many of you will probably watch the game at your house or a friend's house. Well if you are headed to or hosting a Super Bowl Party, I have a list of what you can do to make your Sunday Super.

Make Football Squares and Make Ridiculous Sidebets
Now we here at the Morning Express do not condone bookmaking, but making simple bets with friends makes the game fun–even if your team isn't in the game. You know what I am talking about. It's a 10 by 10 grid of 100 squares. You sell each square for a buck, people put their name in the squares, you pick out numbers 0-9 at random for the two teams and after each quarter someone wins. We did this at my Uncle Pete's place for Super Bowl XXVIII. I ended up with Bills 3 and Dallas 6. After the 1st quarter it was Dallas 6 Bills 3. $25 for me. Then the Bills scored a touchdown in the 2nd quarter then kicked a field goal to go into the half Bills 13-10. Big winner again: ME!

Ridiculous sidebets are also fun. You can bet a friend on the coin toss, how long the national anthem will be, if Little Stevie Van Zandt will have a wardrobe malfunction...anything. It is always a pick-me-up, especially if the game stinks.

Gather Canned Goods, Bottled Water, and build a Panic Room
Sunday's game features the Pittsburgh Steelers against the Arizona Cardinals. The Arizona Cardinals. Let's put it this way: If the historically lousy Cardinals win in the same 12 month span as the Tampa Bay Rays go to the World Series, Mickey Rourke became an Oscar contender, Bret Michaels had so much trouble scoring with strippers in a house that he had to put them on a bus, and the New Kids on The Block released a new album, frogs may actually fall out of the sky. Didn't Nostradamus warn of this? I'm expecting my dog Barrett to fill out my tax return at this point.

Have themes at your party for both teams
When the Patriots were in the game, I made Clam Chowder. This year you could make faux Primanti Brothers sandwiches for the Steelers (a sandwich of meat, tomato, cole slaw, and french fries on thick Italian bread). I am not sure what the big food is out in Arizona, but if you wanted to give a shout out to many of it's residents you could pull your pants up to your armpits.

Make sure you know a little bit about the game, even if you hate football
Here's a crib sheet: "Big Ben" is the Steelers quarterback because it's easier to say than "Roethlisberger." The guy that is jumping 15 feet in the air to catch the ball on the Cardinals is Larry Fitzgerald. That guy with the big, bushy hair who is next to him is Troy Polamalu. He's been next to him since Fitzgerald pulled into the parking lot. And of course, if you've watched the show over the past three months, Rafer Weigel told you that the quarterback for Arizona Kurt Warner used to work in a grocery store. He also won a Super Bowl and played in another before this year, but I digress.

Make sure you have enough meat, snack treats, and booze.
Unless you are one of those creepy vegans or if you are on the wagon this is important. If you make too many meatballs, put them in the fridge and make spaghetti and meatballs for dinner the next night. If you run out of meat, good luck. To paraphrase Homer Simpson: If I went to a Super Bowl party and they ran out of meat I'd be like "Hey goober, where's all the meat?" Same goes for booze and snack treats. One little tip in class. If you go to a party with a six pack and you drink three, the three stay with the house. Sorry. Would you bring a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and walk out with half a bag. Your friends were nice enough to put you up, cheapskate.

So that's my list. I have no idea who is going to win this game. The NFL this year has been too wacky. Tyler Thigpen brought Senior Writer Jeff to the finals of our fantasy league, Chad Pennington won the Comeback Player of the Year for a 2nd time in three years, and people in New England thought for 5 seconds that we should trade Tom Brady. It's like bizzaro NFL season. So what are you doing for a perfect party? Everyone could use the help.