We're gonna need a bigger boat

By Writer Keith

So in four weeks or, if my wife had her way, tomorrow my baby daughter will make her debut into the world. Just to set the record straight since there are so many rumors going around: my wife and I conceived our child naturally. We did not use the same woman’s fertility drugs as Manny Ramirez, or as many of us call him now “Octo-Manny.” As for right now, we are as ready as we can be.

I don't want this face to be one of the first my baby sees.

Since I last updated the blog, we have had two baby showers. One with my family in Boston, one with my wife’s family here in Atlanta. For those guys out there who may be expecting a kid soon, a word of advice: AVOID THE SHOWER AT ALL COSTS! Go somewhere else, do something else. I stayed for the beginning, shook hands, thanked people for coming, then got the heck out of Dodge.

I mean I honestly considered paying money to watch “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” to escape. It’s not a rational time. There’s quiche involved, ribbons, flowers, lots of oohing and ahhing over everything. At the one here in Atlanta, they played a game where the women had hairpins on ribbons and if you said the word “baby” you lost a hairpin. Check please! We got a lot of great things from both families, and I truly appreciate the efforts and the help, but my time was spent beating my brother-in-law Kyle in Madden then coming back later and loading up the truck.

But thanks to these showers we are starting to run out of room in the house. My daughter already has more clothes than me. This is not a good sign because her mother is a clothes horse too. Our biggest concern with the clothes is if the ultra-sounds were wrong and we are having a boy. That’s a lot of pink outfits for a boy.

We also have all of the bouncy seats, playmats, pack and plays, and travel systems we can handle. You may look at Consumer Reports for safety and customer satisfaction for these things. I look for which baby on the box looks like they are having a better time. Big smile on the kid, we’re getting it.

On the “how healthy is the baby” front, everything has been quiet…which is good. Everything is going to plan. My wife has been having some aches, pains and swelling but her doctors say it’s normal. My main concern is that she works on the 17th floor of an office building. I’d prefer she take the stairs up to work, but she insists on using the elevator. I am not a sadists but I have seen enough teen comedies/dramas on TV to fear that my kid will be delivered by some random teenager in an elevator. I don’t want Zack Morris delivering my kid. Brandon Walsh maybe, but not Zack Morris.

Speaking of health, we got quite a special gift from my brother Danny during the Boston shower. My brother gave my baby one of those special “Build-A-Bears” you can get at most any malls. It’s a pink and white bear that is decked out in a New England Patriots cheerleader outfit. When he was building the bear, he had to take the bears “heart”, rub it on his chest and make a wish. He wished that the baby came out healthy. It may sound corny to you, but it meant a lot to us. Hopefully our daughter grows up to appreciate it.

Now we have to pack the overnight bag for the hospital and what we are planning to do when we get there. My wife is treating me like a bouncer. When she is finally ready to “download our tricycle motor” she only wants me and the medical staff in the room. I’m not saying I’m going to have to physically toss people out of the room, but I am buying those velvet ropes they have outside of nightclubs. I have a list, a suit, and I am trying to lift enough weights that I won’t have a neck.

So that’s it for now. My next “baby blog” will probably be about the arrival. Wish us luck.