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October 13, 2008
Posted: 05:52 AM ET
Writer Keith When I met my wife, my life was a complete mess. I had gone through a divorce and spent about a year in a self-destructive mode wondering how I had messed things up. I was drinking too much, eating too much, close to 300 pounds, and smoking about 2 packs a day. 
My wife says we can buy the t-shirts, but naming our kid after players from the Red Sox is out of the question.  Then I met Missy and things began to turn around. We dated, she moved in, I stopped trying to slowly kill myself, we got our dog Barrett, I stopped smoking, and finally got married at Disney World in May of 2007. Since I’ve been with her, I have found new focus at work, and I am knocking on the door of getting under 200 pounds. So… you can imagine how I felt this Saturday when she handed me a home pregnancy test that was positive. In fact, she went 3-for-3 on the tests this weekend which is better than some of the Red Sox did in two games in Tampa. It was another gift from the woman who saved my life. Nearly two years to the day, I’ve gone from complete train wreck to soon-to-be dad. And to tell you the truth…I am scared to death. First off, we had to call our family. Missy’s mom and aunt screamed in her ear. As for my mom and dad, I had to scream in their ears. They, along with the rest of my family, were watching my cousin Kyle and his UMass Minuteman football team beat up on Northeastern. Safe to say, my parents joy saved me a lot of phone calls. My grandmother is already knitting a sweater for the soon to be bundle of joy. Phone calls are easy, but raising a kid? I have no idea. My mom asked me if I was ready and I told her that I was scared s***less. She told me that you kinda learn on the job. Great. Nine more months to worry about how I am going to mess things up. What am I going to teach a kid? If you have read my blogs, you know I only know a few things. Sports, dated pop culture references, and that is pretty much it. How is it going to be beneficial to a toddler to learn about the opposite field hitting of Wade Boggs or why no one ever ate food at the Peach Pit on “Beverly Hills, 90210.” My wife tells me that I can teach the kid how to play catch and make grilled cheese sandwiches. I hope that is not all I have to offer, but I do pray that the baby looks like its mom. We went to a department store this weekend to check out stuff we’ll need to register for. Wow! There is a lot of stuff to get. We need a crib, a playpen, clothes, a car seat, bottles, bottle cleaners, bottle heater-uppers, mobiles, pillows, food, diapers, etc. I also have to learn how to switch famous Irish pub songs into lullabies. Nothing like turning “Whiskey in the Jar” to “Cookies in the Jar.” We’ve already bought some infant Red Sox gear. Luckily our baby will not be born with a so-called “Curse of the Bambino” over it’s head. My wife told me that painting the nursery like Fenway Park was not gender neutral and she doesn’t want our baby to end up with my sometimes dangerous obsession with the Sox. So I guess naming the kid Dustin Lester Jacoby is out of the question…especially if it’s a girl. So now we begin the journey. We need to find a doctor, a hospital, pre-natal pills, several books on how to deal with this, learning how to keep food down (o.k., I don’t have to deal with that.) We have to figure out what to do with a 5-month-old when it is time for my 10-year college reunion (which should be a doozy. GO FPC RAVENS! Wacaw, Wacaw!!!!) I need to figure out how not to be in the baby shower. But most of all…I need to get ready. I hope I can learn as I go. I hope my parents and my in-laws can help out and help raise a kid that has the values and respect that we were raised with. I hope that my brother, my hero, who has had to deal with and thrived being mentally handicapped his entire life, loves finally being an uncle. I hope that we make it through. Posted by: Writer Keith
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