Dancing With The Stars: The Final Season

By Writer Keith

It’s the announcement people have been waiting for all summer. No, not who will be on the Vice Presidential ticket. It’s the new cast of the ABC hit “Dancing With The Stars!” I’ll be honest with you … I have not been on board with this show since day one. I don’t care to watch ballroom dancing and I really don’t care about watching marginal celebrities ballroom dancing. I have never watched a moment of the show, except for the clips of Marie Osmond going keister over teakettle that one time. But for reasons beyond me, it’s a smash. People love it. That is why I have some sad news for you fans out there. It pains me to say that will be the last season of “Dancing With The Stars.” Hey, it’s been a nice run.

So what inside information do I have that this is the final season? None. Did I go to a fortuneteller? Nope. But I do know TV. And I do know about proven theories and guaranteed certainties. The curtain will fall on the show because of the following two words:

Ted McGinley.

Yes, as soon as I heard that this veteran actor was on the cast I knew that time was running out. McGinley seems to have made a career of joining long-running shows just about when their time’s up. To paraphrase Apollo Creed, McGinley has retired more shows than social security. Tree leaves in New Hampshire have a better chance of hanging on in the fall than some of his shows. He is the patron saint of the website jumptheshark.com where people try and figure out why shows went wrong.

Now this isn’t his fault. He was usually a good-looking replacement after stars from a show have left. But rest assured, if you are working on a show he comes on you better have your agent on speed dial. Let’s take a look at his hit list.

Happy Days
McGinley played Roger Philips starting in 1980. He was Mrs. C’s nephew and the coach of the Jefferson High Basketball team. By the time he joined the show Richie and Malph were off fighting the “war,” Joanie loved Chachi, and Fonzie was on his way to growing a beard and teaching auto shop. Sir John Gielgud couldn’t have saved this show. By 1984, the doors at Arnold’s were closed and the show was canceled.

The Love Boat
Fresh off of the demise of Happy Days, McGinley came on board “The Love Boat” in 1984 as your cruise photographer “Ace”. This was also the same year that Cruise Director Julie McCoy jumped ship. This was also the time that they could only get people like Jimmy “J.J.” Walker and Menudo to get on board. The Love Boat finally sank in 1986.

Somehow during this time, McGinley found time to be in one of the best college comedies of the decade “Revenge of the Nerds.” This was all well and good until he made a return appearance in “Revenge of the Nerds 3 and 4.”

Married With Children
McGinley was on this show the longest, filling in as Marcy’s new husband for eight years. By the time this was cancelled in 1997, it had run its course. McGinley’s 164 shows were not enough to save this one from the chopping block. But it is fun to note that this was his longest run on a sitcom by more than 100 shows.

Welcome Back, Kotter
Imagine how tough it was to replace Vinnie Barbarino! Wait … that wasn’t McGinley? (checking IMDB) … Let’s move on!

There have been more, but I think you get the point. Much like the laws of gravity, this is pretty close to an exact science. Vegas wouldn’t lay odds on something like this.

Passionate viewers may try and vote McGinley off early just to give the show a chance. But ultimately, the viewers will be ok. They’ll find a new show. If I were a contestant, though, I’d be worried. I mean what do people like Kim Kardashian have to fall back on? Wait, don’t answer that. Just get those Tivo’s ready, this could be the last dance for a while.